Losing The Dressing Room

Don't know if anybody still reads this

2010-01-06T17:12:00.004Z

but... who'd like to be involved in this year's World Cup group blog? It's going to start, hopefully, on 3rd March, 100 days before the first game, and during the tournament your regular interaction will of course be especially required.

Any good names for it would also be welcome. This is what we got up to in 2006.

HTV's video editing team takes the weekend off

2009-03-01T22:39:00.001Z

The boys attempting to leg up home players with two scarves tied together as they run out is particularly special. And not one of those parachutists lands properly.

Highly recommended reading: Broken TV covers The Big Match Replayed

Let's talk about you

2009-03-01T22:32:00.002Z

As you can tell, what with Sweeping The Nation, other online ventures and trailing in a distant third 'life', we haven't been updating Losing The Dressing Room a lot recently. We're loathe to just abandon it, so... do you want to join in? We're looking for co-maintaners for this blog to help us keep its mix of informed comment, uninformed whimsy and YouTube embeds that only really amuse us ticking over. (And, with a World Cup next year, also looking ahead to taking part in another seperate tournament spectacular) Email address is up there on the right. No time wasters.

Eeeeeeee!

2009-01-25T23:28:00.002Z

Released March 29th, apparently.

The lack of activity in this place? Well, that'll be the next thing we talk about.

Famous dogs of football

2008-12-05T11:38:00.002Z

Roy Keane's labrador Triggs, inevitably brought up in every football column today
Pickles
The one, apparently called Gullit, that Mourinho refuses to quarantine which led to a police caution
The one that bit a Torquay player and helped them stay in the league
The one that invaded the pitch during an England-Brazil game and weed on Jimmy Greaves that Garrincha later adopted

Any more for any more? (NB. Any correspondence about Stan Collymore will not be entered into)

Throwing the game

2008-11-21T20:49:00.001Z

Physics doesn't suggest a reason why it shouldn't, but it still seems odd that a somersault throw-in can bring more height and length to a throw. To think that Rory Delap can manage 42m the normal way:

Hmmm

2008-11-21T16:18:00.001Z

Susie Dent is going to have to learn to go "OHHH!" in the middle of numbers board answers, isn't she?

No, this is the greatest record ever

2008-11-19T19:18:00.003Z

Folk & Røvere are a Norwegian hip hop outfit. A good start. Three years ago they released a single called Supermann, about a man lamenting that he can't do what the near-titular superhero can. How to further illustrate the concept?

Get Arne Scheie, veteran commentator for Norway's largest broadcaster, to read a list of 70s English footballer's names. Obviously.

"Joe Kinnear is rapidly turning into the Allen Stanford of Geordieland"

2008-11-03T22:03:00.003Z

So suggests someone - a Newcastle fan, apparently - on the BBC website commentary of tonight's game.

Allen Stanford, should you not be up to speed with this, has come late into his chosen sport, declared the hugely successful and liked previous form of the sport "boring" and instead championed a cheapened form of the game with the aid of a pointless, divisive, player distracting injection of multi-millions.

That's more Mike Ashley, isn't it?

How has this escaped the nation's attention?

2008-10-26T11:10:00.000Z

Spineless Sunday Times

2008-10-26T09:26:00.002Z

They've completely removed the online version of the story headlined "Ramos safe for now as Comolli heads to exit".

It's funny how all media personages boast their inside sources, a club like Spurs seeming more susceptible than most, but assuming Daniel Levy didn't decide to phone Portsmouth for the first time at 10.45pm last night none of them picked up on manoevures and most ran first editions of the Sundays predicting how many games Ramos had left to save his job.

A match made in heaven

2008-10-16T18:23:00.004+01:00

This, we assure you, is not a mockup. It is an actual book newly available from reputable print sellers.

That's Chris Kamara and 80s comedy songsmith Richard Digance co-'writing' a loss leader book of football facts. Note this, reprinted as shown, from the blurb:

"This book is the result of many Friday evenings during the football season when Chris Kamara, preparing himself for commentaries the following day, and Richard Digance met up for a few beers and long chats about the sport they love. Either at Richard's house in the south when Kammy was at Frattan Park or St Mary's the following day or at Kammy's house in Wakefield where Richard would stop off en route to filming his numerous appearances on Channel 4's Countdown they began piecing together the content for this book of football trivia."

We're sure Portsmouth fans in particular will be rushing to check the book's level of accuracy.

And also, on a five star review on play.com mysteriously posted a week and a half before the book's publication, "discoboyuk" reckons it's the "Funniest football book I've ever read. Love the fact they've included new trivia as well as old stuff." If he ever sees the Sky Sports Football Yearbook he'll have a coronary.

2008-10-13T18:44:00.001+01:00

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

What sort of thing is happening here?

2008-10-02T21:32:00.001+01:00

Thank you, Digiguide:

An Impossible Job (Documentary)

Time: 23:00 to 00:35 (1 hour and 35 minutes long).
When: Sunday 5th October on ITV4 (28)

Extended version of the award-winning fly-on-the-wall documentary highlighting Graham Taylor's reign as England manager during their failed 1994 World Cup qualifying campaign, all the way through to losing in Holland after some dodgy referee decisions. With a new introduction by Graham Taylor, the film is a compelling look at the pressure faced by the manager of the national team.
(Stereo, Premiere)

Yes indeed! Although, being the modern age, we can all share already in how it originally went out:

Yes, the voiceover is done by Mark Halliley, who now fills the narrative gaps in The Apprentice, and check that announcement over the end credits about a special repeat. What must that have sounded like? But, because you all have busy lives to lead...

The Ten Best Bits Of An Impossible Job That Don't Involve "Do I Not Like That" Or Taylor Shouting At The Linesman ("I'm a metre!")

02:35 On the way back to the tunnel after the draw at home to Norway Taylor stops to reprimand a set of catcalling fans, only for two Norwegian players to run into him. We then see the same or a nearby section of seven or eight men chanting "we want Taylor out", clearly for the camera's benefit rather than the FA's.

08:40 Showing the man-management skills that would make him such a hit at Stockport and Mansfield, Carlton Palmer informs Gascoigne during a slab of satirical role/horseplay that "you've got a fucked up knee, a fucked up brain and a fucked up belly."

13:59 "CAN WE NOT KNOCK IT?"

18:24 Tim Flowers passes comment on Prince.

20:30 Players at lunch. Paul Ince considers the freshness of the bread; Ian Wright posits "is that the living lick or what?"

23:54 Nigel Clough is given the instruction to go on, Taylor beckoning him over with the tremendously formal "just sit in here with me whilst you are doing that", before giving him some ostensibly straightforward (play in the hole, essentially) but sounding ever more complex tactical advice.

29:36 "I sweat a lot - I'm waking up with the usual pyjamas wet through"

36:57 Wonder if these Diana jokes will make the re-edit?

38:27 Graham tackles the grand inquisitory of Rob Shepherd in much the way he demands, ie pisstaking.

45:05 Carlton Palmer's halted celebrations accentuated by Lawrie McMenemy's magnificent accented swearing.

The one thing that hasn't been said about all this Man City malarkey

2008-09-02T22:26:00.001+01:00

Robinho took most of a season to settle in La Liga, where he was surrounded by those whose reputations were at least his equal. What if he turns out not to like the English game?

How football perception has changed in the last ten years

2008-08-17T22:21:00.002+01:00

Nobody is up in arms about, say, Frank Lampard's contract, when the news Middlesbrough were paying Fabrizio Ravanelli £42K a week was seen as a national outrage; and Geovanni's signing for Hull was not accompanied by Juninhoesque London press jibes about how a Brazilian might find the area and whether they'd be able to cut it in February.

Fine tuning

2008-08-13T18:46:00.004+01:00

Michael Carrick has revealed Manchester United players listen to hip-hop pre-game. Well, quelle surprise. Those who follow the occasional public pronouncements on the subject from players know that Ja Rule and Akon long supplanted Simply Red as the footballers' unimaginative choice of favourite music - David Beckham being a fan of Snoop Dogg has always been presented as the very cutting edge, and expressing a love for, say, the Kaiser Chiefs would doubtless be seen as dangerously proactive. Even when they do branch out into new music it's uninteresting, such as Kevin Campbell's 2 Wikid label or Micah Richards and Anton Ferdinand in the video for T2's bassline house hit of last year Heartbroken.

So we ask: are there any footballers who do have a love for the alternative? We know Pat Nevin loves the Cocteau Twins and has DJ'd at How Does It Feel To Be Loved, but we also know that Pat Nevin retired eight years ago, and similarly Stuart Pearce's punk credentials are long since faded into sepia. Anyone?

To think 90 Minutes shut down in 1995 due to competition

2008-08-12T10:32:00.002+01:00

Anyone who believes Shoot! is "laddish" and current FourFourTwo is aimed at intelligensia has to be treated with kid gloves. ""At home with" interviews that wouldn't look out of place in Hello! or OK!"? Yeah, that's just what the smart fan is crying out for. On the basis that Golf Punk has Ian Poulter on its cover every other month, we can only assume Jimmy Bullard is not going to have much time on his hands in the upcoming months.

Well, that's pretty much the season ended there

2008-08-11T22:40:00.000+01:00

While you're waiting

2008-08-11T19:29:00.001+01:00

Broken TV and a completed Panini Football '80 album

Sonny Pike renews his passport

2008-08-03T19:41:00.002+01:00

Finland's FC Haka run an online feature on current triallist Cherno Samba

You'd think he'd want to play down links with receiving large sums of money

2008-08-03T14:09:00.002+01:00

This is a publicity shot for Nigerian television's version of Deal Or No Deal, host in the centre.

That's John Fashanu, tonight on M-Net Africa. Not sure what the others are doing, unless Contestant's Row there is some sort of Stepford Wives affair.

2008-08-01T17:56:00.001+01:00

Welcome back to the new season, everyone.

Afterthought

2008-07-01T22:46:00.003+01:00

Well...erm...that was a good tournament.

Yeah, sorry we've been a little lax, but really there wasn't much to say that others weren't covering and what we did say was largely inaccurate. Thanks to Simon Gleave, and sorry we didn't put up everything sent to us. No thanks to all the other people we contacted for guest post purposes who didn't come through. We will return to normality at some point anon.

In the meantime, the FA Cup Preliminary Round draw was published today. Tie of the round is surely AFC Wulfrunians v Pilkington XXX.

You'd think there was a major international tournament on or something

2008-06-25T17:33:00.003+01:00

Yeah, so this hasn't been the most active of blogs during this very Jack White of tournaments, but really, isn't this the way all major international tournaments have gone over the 2000s? Cracking first phase, pundits across the land wondering how long it's been since there was a finals this good, followed by the inexorable slowdown. You could even watch it slow down in stages throughout the quarter-finals.

Oh, and broadsheet pundits, it is not a better tournament just because England aren't in it. If their very presence drags an entire finals down by dint of their playing unexciting football and inexorably going out in the quarter-finals on penalties, how do you explain Italy?

Snakes and League Ladders

2008-06-18T08:19:00.000+01:00

Last week we were in a newsagent flicking through a copy of Shoot! magazine after its recent restyling - it had just gone back to weekly status after some time as a monthly publication - and being generally horrified. We know that kids are supposed to have shorter attention spans, something only ever used to justify dumbing down a publication (funny how they retain the attention span to cope with the sprawling text and internal universe of Harry Potter books, eh?), but this was another thing. Essentially it was a poster book with a few pages wrapped around, featuring four pages of pictures of players with speech bubble captions, a competition wherein the reader was invited to uglify a close-up of Fernando Torres' face and a couple of bits of lonely, bedraggled text in huge print, neither, as we recall, the classic Shoot! Q&A. No surprise, then, that it's been axed, or that the closure affects a staff of six.

J Alfred Prufrock measured out his life with coffee spoons; many British football loving males about our age measure it out in their weekly football magazine purchasing - Shoot! for the features, over to Match for Match Facts, back to Shoot! when Match relaunched in a blizzard of primary colours and Wayne's World catchphrases; then inevitably for someone who saw themselves as the young sophisticate onto 90 Minutes and then not bothering with anything more when that closed in 1996 citing too much opposition in the football magazine market. Inevitably, with one time bastion of smart readability FourFourTwo long since reduced to operating at the Dave channel level the long lost Total Football once held as its own, Match Of The Day being re-aimed at that self same Shoot! audience, World Soccer always too fastidious for purpose and the various early Premier League years attempts at combining football and Viz (The Onion Bag, anyone?) long since consigned to landfill there's now a huge gap in the market for a magazine that knows what it writes of that When Saturday Comes, undiminished stalwart that it is, can't fill by itself.

Wonder how Ray Of The Rangers ended.

You know when

2008-06-12T21:44:00.001+01:00

a penalty is given for a push or shirt tug in the box at a set piece and the analyst, as Shearer just has, says "you'd have to give hundreds of penalties a game for that"?

Well, just once, why doesn't someone? That'd make a few defenders think again.

Everything you hear is wrong

2008-06-12T08:19:00.001+01:00

Scolari the no-nonsense coach. Scolari the tabloid press suspicion raiser. Scolari the punch thrower. Scolari the "Brazilian Brian Clough", as Tim Vickery called him on Sky Sports News this morning.

None of this is going to happen, is it? Scolari the pragmatic squad unity builder with scrappy, dour tactical tendencies (you can see why Chelsea felt they could continue business as usual with him, then) would be more the case, but that doesn't sell his character. We've had this too often before - a coach or players arrives and everyone suddenly knows about his character traits, which supposedly show that it's going to be a lot of fun around them. They then go on to do nothing of the sort. You could argue Mourinho lived up to the hype, but that was only really because he dropped the "special one" soundbite in his very first press conference and it went on to haunt him - notice how quickly he's disassociated himself from the tag at Inter. What second hand seemed wilfully entertaining became wilfully boorish* when he was doing it in games you're paying £40 a month to watch. And let's face it, Scolari is never going to clock up the same press coverage in the women's section.

(* Using this word doesn't make us sound too much like Martin Samuel, does it?)

You'd never guess BBC and ITV have exclusive rights to this tourney

2008-06-10T08:23:00.000+01:00

...in the way Sky Sports News' lead story this morning was a chat with Eric Cantona.

Even though he's still being called upon to make tremendously embarrassing adverts for sportswear companies, Cantona already seems to belong to another age. Not in the Whole New Ball Game Premier League sense, but in the way the game has changed even from when he played his last. You suspect that in this more Net-aware, tactics savvy age he'd get kicked from pillar to post outside Old Trafford - never came close to performing in Europe, never won his place back internationally, widely thought to have only succeeded in the Premiership then because the midfield anchor had yet to be established as a necessary tactic. Even though he was 28 when he scored two penalties in the 1994 FA Cup final he seems indicative from this distance of the sort of non-Scandinavian foreign talent the Premiership could only attract then. From the perspective of these days when Manchester City are constantly linked with Ronaldinho and nobody bats an eyelid it's easy to forget that, even with Juninho around, it's only twelve years or so since the league's reputation was one of where international stars went in the twilight of their playing careers to have an enhancing runaround and collect a large salary - when it was reported Fabrizio Ravanelli would be paid £42,000 a week the outcry went on for months. (Who changed this? Received wisdom would probably have it as when Arsene Wenger arrived with Vieira and Henry, although we like to think Attilo Lombardo and Thomas Brolin did for it between them)

Day two: much of a muchness

2008-06-09T18:21:00.002+01:00

Obviously, we trust you've already subscribed to Euro 606 with Danny Baker, in which the king across the water returns to lay waste to all the dull tactics and management chat that he left behind sixteen years ago.

Filling a gap where anything to say about Sunday's perfunctory wins should have gone, a couple of notes from Simon Gleave:

The anchorman for TV coverage of Euro 2008 here in Holland is a man called Jack van Gelder. He still commentates on Holland's matches including those at this year's tournament for the Dutch equivalent of BBC radio. So, on Monday he will do the radio commentary for Netherlands - Italy AND anchor the TV coverage. This is the most famous example of his work - the only bit you need to understand is the beginning when he says "I just have the feeling that we're going to make the semifinal. With Frank de Boer in possession, he plays the ball...very good...to Dennis Bergkamp..."

From the Sunday Times: "The question remains why a country that produces so many gifted individuals has such a mediocre record in major tournaments".

The question remains how Joe Lovejoy can describe a European Championship title, three other European Championship semifinals, two World Cup finals and a World Cup semi as a mediocre record. It is no wonder that England are always seen as failing by the media if Holland's record counts as mediocre.

Sound and vision

2008-06-08T16:36:00.003+01:00

Sky Sports are currently running their annual summer re-runs of their Premiership Years (now Premier League years, although the captions haven't been changed) series, two hours at a time going through each season since the modern era began.

Only thing is, every year, even when annually replenished, has been voiced over by Claire Tomlinson. Reassuring voice, calming presence. Then, last October this happened...

...and while Chris Kamara has continued doing what Chris Kamara does Tomlinson hasn't been seen on anything but Sky Sports News graveyard shifts since snd her voice has been wiped from the tapes and replaced with...nothing. No context offered, no reason for the time make-up slo-mo edits, nothing. What a very curious way of carrying on.

Day one

2008-06-08T12:18:00.000+01:00

Mark Bright: "Until we got to the stadium I didn't realise there was a tournament going on".

Right, so why did you think you were going to the stadium?

Meanwhile, we must chart Clive Tyldesley, who between the start of his tournament and the Portugal-Turkey anthems, brought up just three subjects:

- The weather, and specifically how it's not as hot as it has been at recent tournaments where it may have affected England (which was the very first thing he said);
- whether Scolari will be taking over at Chelsea and if he has the aptitude to go back into club management;
- Ronaldo and move thereof. "Penny for his thoughts" he later commented immediately as the match started, when we imagine his thoughts at the moment would have been less about Madrid and more about the game that had just started and primarily the ball he'd just received.

About the tournament as it was, or the game we were about to see? Nothing. Later, "if we didn't know about his (Colin Kazim-Richards') pedigree in this country we'd be raving about him". What's stopping you, then?

Let's get this down before everyone notices it

2008-06-08T12:16:00.001+01:00

Roberto Donadoni

Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips

Curious orange

2008-06-06T20:26:00.003+01:00

Unbowed by the spectacular failure of our trying to get a team together to cover Euro '08 seperately we'll be posting here throughout the tournament along with the occasional guest poster. Simon Gleave ran the 'Shaggy's Guide to...' websites from 1994 until 2000 when he moved to the Netherlands to work professionally in the sports information business. He is still living in Holland and will occasionally post to LTDR during Euro 2008 as a bemused Englishman living in a country which actually qualified for the tournament.

It's 20 years since the Netherlands won their only major prize, the 1988 European Championship and the country is flooded with nostalgia. The Dutch equivalent of the BBC has just shown late night re-runs of all the Dutch matches in 1988 to big audiences, the book '1988: We Loved Oranje' has just been published to rave reviews and everyone is hoping for a repeat 20 years later. Just one problem...1988's hero Marco van Basten is now 2008's villain.

Van Basten has been in charge of the Dutch football team for four years, qualifying for two tournaments with relative ease and progressing through the Group of Death at the last World Cup, only to lose to Portugal in a match notable for Boulahrouz's attempt to help England by putting Cristiano Ronaldo out of the tournament. The team doesn't play the beautiful football of old but the results are generally good. In most countries, Van Basten's period in charge would be seen as successful but not here. The way the game is played here is far more important than results although these are expected to be good too. In some quarters Van Basten is seen as the man who has betrayed this tradition and many can't wait to get rid of him.

So, what are the expectations here? Well, despite the appearance of Dutch flags and orange bunting all over the country's streets, expectations are surprisingly low. The Dutch usually expect to go a long way in major tournaments and often do - they have reached at least the last four at four of the last five European Championships - but this time half the country expect the team to fail to progress through another Group of Death.

This is partly due to the tough draw but is also due to a lack of belief in Van Basten. In some ways this lack of confidence is odd - the group is certainly difficult but it contains a French team who lost twice in qualifying to Scotland, a Romanian team who may well be overawed by the tournament and an Italian side who hardly have a great pedigree in the Euros, saving their most impressive performances for World Cups. Holland themselves have an incredible array of attacking talent (Van Nistelrooy, Sneijder, Van der Vaart, a back to full fitness Robben, Van Persie and Huntelaar) combined with a top goalkeeper and plenty of experience at major tournaments. Most supporters would be happy with half of these players but not the Dutch whose pessimism I find difficult to understand. After all, they've got the players and technique whereas England (who we always expect to do well) rarely do.

On Monday, I will watch Holland's opener against Italy at my next door neighbour's house. It'll make a change to not have to experience the crushing disappointment of another England failure.

Euro 2008: Your cut out and keep bluffer's guide

2008-06-05T21:43:00.002+01:00

Group A

Czech Republic

What to say in the pub: "They score loads, they do. Brought six prostitutes back to their hotel after a qualifier last year. Still got the big lump up front, though"

What to say on the message board: "Pavel Nedved wasn't picked despite coming out of international retirement and Tomas Rosicky is out injured, but they surprised many four years ago and remain a decent footbaling side"

What to say to David Pleat: "Milan Baros has never converted his international form back to the Premiership and they have an organised defence, three of whom play in Serie A"

You know that one, you do: Petr Cech - wonder if he'll get a headguard in red? - Milan Baros, Marek Matejovsky (Reading, scored a belter at Anfield), Rudi Skacel, David Rozehnal (didn't settle at Newcastle)

Portugal

What to say in the pub: "Big Phil! Punched Serbia defender Ivica Dragutinovic after a qualifier. Hope he gets the Chelsea job, you'd love to see him against William Gallas" And, obviously, "Goes missing on the big occasions, dunn'e?"

What to say on the message board: "Our pub friend is only spouting ill-informed received wisdom, of course, but if Ronaldo doesn't deliver now he never will, and if he doesn't deliver now, regardless of Carvalho's form and Scolari's man-management skills, Portugal are in the shit"

What to say to David Pleat: "Portugal's problem has always been having a quality single striker and Hugo Almeida still isn't the answer. Their right winger scored eight in qualifying, mind."

You know that one, you do: Cristiano Ronaldo, Ricardo Carvalho, Paulo Ferreira, Nani, the hilarious Helder Postiga. Chelsea have put a deposit down on Jose Bosingwa.

Switzerland

What to say in the pub: "Best of the host countries, s'pose"

What to say on the message board: "Two draws in six previous Euro finals games doesn't bode well and with key players recently unfit or off form you wouldn't bank on adding to that tally much"

What to say to David Pleat: "Defence has been their strength of late but they just don't have a critical creative midfielder"

You know that one, you do: Gelson, who's played 26 times for Man City this season not that anyone outside Eastlands has noticed, Philippe Senderos and Arsenal league cup regular Johan Djourou.

Turkey

What to say in the pub: Before the Switzerland game: "watch this one, the last time they played was a World Cup play-off in 2005 and afterwards there was a massive fight in the tunnel, Turkey having to play their next six games on neutral grounds"

What to say on the message board: "Nihat scored 23 for Villarreal this season and has a strong midfield to work off, but there's a weak defence behind them."

What to say to David Pleat: "Fatih Terim has shown a way forward by dropping Hakan Sukur at last, but this is largely a team in transition".

You know that one, you do: Emre, Tuncay and Kazim Kazim, as he's known in Turkey. You'll know him as Colin Kazim-Richards.

Group B

Austria

What to say in the pub: "Did you hear a group of fans started a petition to get Austria to withdraw and save themselves from embarrassment? Made over 10,000 signatures, it did. The organiser actually got fined 1,500 euros for misuse of the national coat of arms." Or sniggering at every touch Christian Fuchs manages.

What to say on the message board: "It's not all lost, they did score three against Holland - lost 3-4, of course - but it's a young squad and everyone's plotting a brighter future rather than a bright now."

What to say to David Pleat: "Seven goals in their last 12 games, and Josef Hickersberg openly hasn't decided on his first choice team. Not even his first choice formation."

You know that one, you do: Emanuel Pogatetz, former Arsenal number two keeper Alex Manninger and Martin Hiden, briefly of Leeds.

Croatia

What to say in the pub: "Bloody Martin Taylor". Or "Slaven Bilic recorded the country's official song with his rock band Rawbau. He's only the guitarist, unfortunately." Or wait until Josep Simunic appears before making a card-raising gesture three times.

What to say on the message board: "They've got no shortage of creativity - Luka Modric, Niko Kranjcar, Mladen Petric - but Eduardo's ten goals in qualifying speak for themselves."

What to say to David Pleat: "A technically well minded, attack favouring team but without pace at the back"

You know that one, you do: Bilic, Kranjcar, Vedran Corluka of Manchester City and soon come Modric.

Germany

What to say in the pub: "God, not again."

What to say on the message board: "And to think that at the turn of the century everybody thought German football had finally run dry of exciting raw talent. Joachim Low has refined Klinsmann's style and they're far more than the sum of their parts, Ballack included."

What to say to David Pleat: "Reliable scorers, but if they do have weaknesses it's the unsettled, unpopular central defence and the never settled in the first place Jens Lehmann".

You know that one, you do: Ballack, Lehmann, Thomas Hitzlsperger.

Poland

What to say in the pub: "Yeah, alright, plumbers, ha ha. Fuck off."

What to say on the message board: "They topped a tricky qualifying group and promptly collapsed in form this year"

What to say to David Pleat: "Nine qualifying goal Ebi Smolarek aside, their strengths are at the back and in defensive midfield, which makes them almost as difficult to break down as the Greeks four years ago."

You know that one, you do: All three keepers - Artur Boruc, Tomasz Kuszczak and Arsenal's Lukasz Fabianski, keeping Jerzy Dudek out. Also Marek Saganowski, although teammate Grzegorz Rasiak misses out.

Group C

France

What to say in the pub: "Christ, Jean-Alan Boumsong's in the squad!"

What to say on the message board: "Vieira and Makelele are still hanging on in there as midfield shields, as are Thuram and Sagnol at the back, but can Henry keep his place ahead of Anelka and Karim Benzema?"

What to say to David Pleat: "Franck Ribery is showing everything expected of him at the moment at Bayern Munich, but he's going to need a lot of help."

You know that one, you do: Henry, Makelele, Vieira, Anelka, Evra, Gallas, Malouda, Lassana Diarra and that man Boumsong. If you believe what you read Samir Nasri is virtually Arsenal's.

Holland

What to say in the pub: "Have they had a massive row yet?" (Yes - Mark van Bommel and Clarence Seedorf have both upped and left the international scene over the chances they were being given)

What to say on the message board: "They're the weakest of the big three in Group C on paper and van Basten has famously overseen a reduction of the Total Football philosophy but their forward and attacking midfield options are enviable."

What to say to David Pleat: "Robben, van der Vaart and Sneijder behind van Nistelrooy, with Huntelaar and van Persie on the bench, will be entertaining, but the defence is ageing and/or suspect. Mario Melchiot might well be a starting choice."

You know that one, you do: Plenty: van Nistelrooy, Robben, van Persie, van der Sar, Vennegoor of Hesselink, van Bronckhorst, Babel, Kuyt, Melchiot, Wilfred Bouma, Andre Ooijer.

Italy

What to say in the pub: "And they could play France again in the semis. Either will be some matchup."

What to say on the message board: "They had an extended World Cup hangover and international retirements but are finally working out their best system, only for Cannavaro to pull out injured."

What to say to David Pleat: "There is in truth not a lot of thrusting young talent here, but Luca Toni scored 39 in 46 for Bayern Munich this season and Antonio Di Natale could make his name properly."

You know that one, you do: Marco Materazzi was at Everton, as well as being in the most famous piece of football footage of the century so far.

Romania

What to say in the pub: "You never know, if the other three all fall over each other..." Or "ehhhhh, Razvan Rat fans!"

What to say on the message board: "Victor Piturca is a canny coach and has found a way to marry the flair going forward with a defensive solidity."

What to say to David Pleat: "Adrian Mutu is rejuvenated at Juventus, while not much gets past Dorin Goian and Gabriel Tamas. Or Cristian Chivu and Paul Codrea, two centre backs now operating as tandem central midfielders. No, they are an attacking side, really."

You know that one, you do: Mutu and Marius Niculae of Inverness Caledonian Thistle (ten goals this season).

Group D

Greece

What to say in the pub: "Could lightning strike twice? Seven of the starting eleven from 2004's final are still in the squad, after all."

What to say on the message board: "They have a weight of expectation where the element of surprise used to be, but they did score more points than anyone else in qualifying."

What to say to David Pleat: "Surprise! This Greece are stronger filing back than going forward"

You know that one, you do: Traianos Dellas was at Sheffield United for a bit, while Georgios Samaras is at Manchester City, in bits. Stelios Giannakopoulos has just been freed by Bolton.

Russia

What to say in the pub: "Guus Hiddink's salary is part-subsidised by Roman Abramovich, of course"

What to say on the message board: "Hiddink effectively wiped clean all his preconceptions upon arriving and hit upon a well of technically gifted midfielders and useless defenders"

What to say to David Pleat: "There's a lot of pace and potential firepower in the squad but key striker Andrei Arshavin is suspended for the first two games"

You know that one, you do: As Moscow is not in the UK, none.

Spain

What to say in the pub: "So they're either the great underachievers finally coming good or the continued underachievers."

What to say on the message board: "Again, who's to say with any confidence? They have an increasingly settled squad, a hell of a midfield and David Villa and 27 goal Daniel Guiza partnering Fernando Torres, but they're Spain"

What to say to David Pleat: "Yes, they're likely to play three up front, and there's no shortage of pace in or around them, but the trouble has been getting talented players to reproduce their club form at this level - they nearly drew at home to Peru last week"

You know that one, you do: Reina, Arbeloa, Alonso and Torres make Liverpool the joint largest club representation in the squad. Plus Fabregas.

Sweden

What to say in the pub: "Back to the days of a long-ball team full of Premiership mid-ranking players, that's what they need"

What to say on the message board: "Henrik Larsson's comeback is both a blessing and a curse, reaffirming as it does the number of old stagers still hanging around"

What to say to David Pleat: "Zlatan Ibrahimovich has finally found form at Inter but the squad don't have the individual class of old"

You know that one, you do: Larsson, Ljungberg, Marcus Allback, Sebastian Larsson, Andreas Isaksson and Rami Shaaban, who was at Arsenal, West Ham and Brighton for a bit.

They do things differently over there

2008-06-05T17:36:00.000+01:00

When English journalists refused to play ball with the national squad the players attempted to pay back in kind.

Samuel Eto'o seemingly just wants to be heard by somebody.

No pressure, son

2008-06-05T17:35:00.000+01:00

"Alan Shearer believes Cristiano Ronaldo could become as revered as football legend Pele. But he warns that fans should not expect too much from the Manchester United winger"

Swiss neutrality

2008-06-03T08:51:00.001+01:00

So, who will you be supporting at Euro 2008?

We'll tell you who we're supporting - nobody. We're going to remain neutrals no matter how many newspapers and TV trailers run with the idea that now England aren't in it you've got to pick somebody to support. Why? We quite fancied the idea of a summer football tournament without facile nationalism getting in the way, and if this is an attempt to prop up passing interest otherwise thought lost by no home nation involvement by making us have to cheer for somebody it's not going to work because there's no emotional connection beyond the newly minted plastic. Let's just enjoy the European Championships as football rather than as international undiplomacy.

Actually, maybe we should have made it more explicit

2008-05-30T20:17:00.002+01:00

Do you want to spend three inevitably baking weeks indoors watching Euro 08 games and then blogging about them? Of the five people that regularly contributed to Finals Fantasy one is us, two are possibles, one is in Sydney and we've lost contact with the other, so we're down before we start (although thanks to the person who has taken the hint and offered their services already - we'll be in touch when we know what we're doing) Email us at dressingroom(at)dsl.pipex.com

Let's have a public brainstorming session

2008-05-29T22:19:00.001+01:00

A Euro '08 blog, then.

1) Would you be interested in being a regular contributor?

2) This is how we did things last time, but we want to get away from the basic watching-TV-and-making-remarks-on-the-coverage approach. Any ideas?

3) Other.

Next season

2008-05-26T00:18:00.000+01:00

Leeds v Leicester will be played in a lower division than Blackpool v Doncaster.

Crouching Tigers

2008-05-23T20:23:00.002+01:00

Hull refute the 'biggest city in Europe never to have hosted top flight football' myth, although they're still biggest in the UK. Would you be as triumphantly smug about your home city having a rapidly declining population as the penultimate paragraph is?

Something that stands out from the Champions League final reaction

2008-05-22T09:29:00.000+01:00

Avram Grant has jumped to John Terry's defence. So has Frank Lampard, using this new nickname of "Mr Chelsea" which both Tyldesley and Tyler also utilised as he shaped up for the penalty and which needs nipping in the bud immediately. Assorted onlookers and journalistic grandees have weighed in in defence of the defender. You'd expect them to, of course, because he's Chelsea Through And Through. And English.

Still odd, though, that there's not a word from any of them of consolation for Nicolas Anelka.

Since a couple of people have asked

2008-05-20T08:40:00.000+01:00

things should be clearer about Euro '08 blogging plans by the end of this weekend. Stand by your inboxes.

Have you ever wondered why nobody makes official Cup final records any more?

2008-05-16T18:20:00.000+01:00

38 facts for 38 games 07-08

2008-05-14T00:01:00.001+01:00

1) After a few years of bemoaning the low scoring rates in the Premiership, 2007-08 had the third highest total of goals this decade, 1002 in 380 games. Alfonso Alves' hat trick goal against Manchester City brought up four figures.

2) Similarly, after last season's pathetic total of three hat-tricks this season brought up fifteen, the highest number in ten years. Adebayor, Benjani and Torres all managed it twice, Dimitar Berbatov (against Reading) and Frank Lampard (v Derby) went one better.

3) With 31 league goals, Cristiano Ronaldo became the fourth player to break 30 for a Premiership season since the division was reduced to 20 clubs for for 1995-96. He follows Alan Shearer, Kevin Phillips and Thierry Henry.

4) He's also the first Manchester United player to manage thirty or more in a league season since Denis Law in 1963-64, although he finished five short of Law's all competitions seasonal record. (Ruud van Nistelrooy managed 44 in 2002-03, but 'only' 25 in the league)

5) Meanwhile, Fernando Torres' 24 goals not only beat van Nistelrooy's record for most goals by a Premiership newcomer in a season but made him the first Liverpool player to break 20 since Robbie Fowler in 1995-96. Michael Owen stalled at 19 for two successive seasons.

6) Meanwhile Roque Santa Cruz got to 19, the highest Blackburn scorer's figure since Shearer left.

7) As if to prove the old maxim, United won the title after losing five games all season, as with the title winners of the previous two seasons.

8) Both Chelsea and Arsenal lost only three times, a record for least defeats of a non-title winning team equalled by Chelsea last season and four other teams (including Chelsea again) before that.

9) At the other end, you know that Derby shattered Sunderland's lowest points tally with 11, but maybe it's a crumb of comfort that if we average their 89 against up for a 42 game season it comes out at 98 goals, two short of Swindon's 1993-94 ignominy.

10) Tomas Kuszczak is on the way to being the least achieving decorated player in the game. As with last season, the number of Manchester United players who won championship medals for having played at least ten games fell two short of the minted 20, so by special dispension Kuszczak, who played nine times, received a gong having done the same last season. Gerard Pique, who also played nine games, also struck lucky.

11) Someone officially called Francesc Fabregas topped the assists table with 17, one ahead of Ashley Young. wayne Rooney (12) takes the smaller podium spot. Special mention for Nicky Shorey, whose nine set-ups put him level with Gerrard and Lampard.

12) Opta's shooting measurements put Ronaldo top of the having-a-pop league with 145, an also besting everyone else 89 on target, over 61% in fact. Only Adebayor otherwise managed over 100.

13) While we've got our calculator out, Torres has a better shots to target percentage, 63.5%.

14) Twelve ever-presents this season, ten of whom started every game, five of whom also finished every game and only one of whom is an outfielder, Stephen Kelly of Birmingham. The others: Reina, Hahnemann, Freidel, Green.

15) And on the other end of the chart, two players whose only league appearance of the season was as a second half injury time substitute - Middlesbrough central defender Seb Hines and West Ham midfielder Kyle Reid, recently on loan at Sheffield United. Both are 20 year olds with England under 19 caps.

16) There's always one, and this season it was Reading's Adam Federici - spending every minute of every game on the bench due to the first choice, here Marcus Hahnemann, being too reliable. Being named FA Player Of The Round after keeping Reading in last season's FA Cup after a barrage at Old Trafford must seem like a long time ago, although his skill at looking pensive while wearing gloves has earned him a first call-up to his international side Australia's squad.

17) The most unused outfield sub, while we're about it, was Carlos Bocanegra, who went through the season either starting (22) or staying benched (15)

18) In all 538 players played some part this season.

19) But not all of them can start. Shane Long and Marlon Harewood were the most subbed on players, getting stripped 22 times each. Long wins the starting place battle 7 to 1.

20) You want to know the most subbed player now, don't you? That'll be Elano, taken off a remarkable 21 times out of 29 starts.

21) Ever-present Jose Reina tops the clean sheets table with 18. David James has 16 from 35, with Edwin van der Sar managing a quietly impressive 15 from 29.

22) Chelsea and Manchester United both totalled 21 clean sheets throughout the season...

23) ...while Birmingham managed as few as Derby, three.

24) Kevin Keegan, cover your eyes. Had the season started on 1st January, the top four would have been the same, Everton would have finished fifth and the bottom three remain the bottom three. Actually, Chelsea would have won the league by - ha! - two points, with Liverpool and Arsenal also swapping.

25) Occasionally you can tell a lot by a league if you take out the top four clubs and their results. This is not one of these occasions, as the new top five finished fifth to ninth in reality and the bottom three remain the same. The only interesting detail is the gap between Everton and Villa, five points in the proper table, doubles.

26) Home table? No dice - Man Utd top, then Arsenal, Chelsea (both of whom were unbeaten at home throughout) and Liverpool. Fulham would be down, though.

27) Away table? Not much there either, except that United would be down in third behind Chelsea and Arsenal, and Sunderland would join Birmingham in the bottom three.

28) It escaped many's attention, even with their late run, that Chelsea actually haven't lost since December 16th, when William Gallas came back to do for them.

29) In total home teams won 176 of the season's 380 games and drew 100.

30) 59 red cards were issued during the season, Ryan Nelsen, Sulley Muntari and Richard Dunne going off twice.

31) Bolton didn't have a single men sent off all season, while Blackburn and Fulham were reduced six times each.

32) Bookings? Middlesbrough most (84), Everton least (40); Michael Brown, Nicky Butt, El-Hadj Diouf and Nigel Reo-Coker most individually, all seeing yellow eleven times. Reo-Coker led last season's disciplinary table too, and last summer while captaining the England under-21s in the UEFA Under-21 Championship he received a second tournament booking in the semi-final, although England eventually lost.

33) The most red-happy ref was Mike Dean with nine, plus 108 yellows, in 28 games, Mark Clattenburg and Rob Styles managing eight in 26 and 25 respectively. Lee Probert, whoever he is, didn't reach for the other pocket in his ten games, as, shockingly, did Uriah Rennie resist the urge, although due to fitness issues he only stepped out seven times. Dean led both yellow and red tables last season too. By the way, he's in charge of the FA Cup final.

34) Rob Styles gave the most penalties, 11, with Mike Dean (28 games) and Phil Dowd (22) on ten.

35) 89 penalties were given, 68 of which were scored. Manchester United were given the most, eight, while Sunderland conceded the most, nine. Gareth Barry and Benny McCarthy scored more than anyone else, five, while Robbie Keane was the only player to miss twice from the spot.

36) Aston Villa benefitted from five own goals, including one from an ex-player (Liam Ridgewell) and one from a player they subsequently signed (Zat Knight). Middlesbrough players conceded five in total.

37) Aston Villa and Manchester United both scored in 24 consecutive games. The latter's run is ongoing.

38) And you want a showstopping fact to finish with? There were ten games this season in which one team scored six or more goals: Middlesbrough 8 Man City 1, Everton 7 Sunderland 1, Portsmouth 7 Reading 4, Spurs 6 Reading 4, Derby 2 Arsenal 6, Chelsea 6 Derby 1, Chelsea 6 Man City 0, Liverpool 6 Derby 0, Man Utd 6 Newcastle 0, Derby 0 Villa 6. The last time there were that many high scorers? Forty years ago.

That's that done; now, work out what on earth you're doing to do with all this knowledge.

Kevin Keegan is, not for the first time, wrong

2008-05-13T15:15:00.001+01:00

Not about the dominance of the Big Four - although it's not so long since Everton gatecrashed it and Spurs came within a game of following suit, and four is about the same number of clubs with realistic chances of winning La Liga, Serie A (where Milan are currently outside the top four) or the Bundesliga, and three more than in Le Championnat.

But has it really made the Premiership season boring? We were thinking it's actually been quite entertaining for once, certainly more than all those seasons when the league has been won by a team who've lost one or two games out of 38. There's been a proper three-way title race with all three experiencing the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, some glorious football played at the top end, actual free-scoring strikers, surprising news stories and the title going to the last day. At the other end, Fulham dragged themselves clear having been six points behind seventeenth place with a month to go and written off as much by their own fans as by the media before suddenly reversing the away form of more than a season. Weren't Bolton supposed to be the other relegated club? Reading got dragged inexorably down instead, while Birmingham went down with a manager previously celebrated for his exploits with an understrength international team, leading to the spectacle of the co-owners telling anyone who'd listen that they were prepared to sell their stake to each other. We need more seasons like that, frankly.

2008-05-12T23:04:00.000+01:00

Steve Claridge is taking the piss

2008-05-09T20:28:00.002+01:00

Funny, isn't it. The media routinely hyperverntilates around Man Utd, Chelsea and the Premiership generally, but two days ahead of a knife-edge last day which also incorporates a three-into-two relegation scrap and the tension has been simmering without ever threatening to boil over into a molten lava of hysterical headlines and graphics. For most of the week it's been the act and fallout regarding Kevin Keegan's comments, the Arsenal house clearing, Gareth Barry's future and the Man City land of confusion that's held sway instead. Is it that the media have now suddenly decided the Champions League means more after all?

Philanthropy in action

2008-05-08T16:34:00.001+01:00

7th May: Luigi De Canio tells the BBC "I'm happy here and am looking forward to next season", while his chairman Gianni Paladini says "I work closely with'Gigi and I love doing that."

8th May: mutual consent

Ah, British based overseas players in adverts in their home country

2008-05-06T17:29:00.001+01:00

Can't whack 'em.

2008-04-30T22:48:00.001+01:00

It's become part of Vinnie Jones folklore that he was once booked four seconds into a game, but have you ever seen verification?

The natural accent of the calypso singer

2008-04-20T13:19:00.001+01:00

Leeds United Calypso

Warning Shots

2008-04-17T21:15:00.002+01:00

Welcome back to the league, Aldershot, sixteen years after the previous club became the last to date to resign from the league. Something for the Leeds board trying to get their points deduction reversed - the old club went out of business owing a total of less than £500,000, roughly £92K of which was in tax. This clip, which starts with the Accrington Stanley milk advert for some reason, charts that final season, and offers the rare chance to hear Cardiff's club commentators attempt to put a home spin on what they know might be the away side's final match ever.

Better self-aware late than never

2008-04-17T17:27:00.002+01:00

Ian Wright, a man who believes 'passion' and 'shouting' are synonyms, has left BBC Sport with the expected amount of profile. In doing so, he appears to have woken up with a stark moment of clarity, describing his role as "the court jester". Indeed, Ian. God knows why they got the idea you were some sort of loudmouth 'Wrighty'-characterising show-off.

*Harry Hill turns to side camera, makes face*

Meanwhile, "Times are changing. I don't know how long young people are going to want to sit down and watch that same old 'jacket, shirt and tie' format." This from someone who is moving to Sky, who in Keys and Redknapp are currently personifying the jacket, shirt and tie format, if we're assuming the same as Wright as to what that actually means. "They want people who are dressed like them" is an interesting sweep to broadside too, given the BBC abandoned suits and ties on MOTD long ago.

"They've got no one to relate to"? Yes, Ian, but that was particularly the case for when you were on England panels. Still, at least he's now with a broadcaster that will see beyond his 'larger than life' persona and "court jester" view.

Ian Wright will next be seen presenting the new series of Gladiators.

When Arsene Wenger started making an impact at Arsenal

2008-04-08T21:36:00.001+01:00

wasn't the key to their championship successes always said to be that the players would be conditioned to be at their best in the last three months of the season?

Ten years after

2008-04-06T17:03:00.002+01:00

This last Tuesday saw the tenth anniversary of something not many people seem to remember, namely the Real Madrid-Borussia Dortmund Champions League quarter final first leg being held up for 75 minutes after the posts collapsed, the nets tied to crowd fencing that gave way under the weight of numbers. Last weekend German TV did a short retrospective, which seems to be more about the art of filler but still shows that at the very height of the game this sort of Sunday League slapstick can occasionally happen:

YouTube embeds in lieu of original material

2008-04-04T18:11:00.002+01:00

A man in a golfing jumper helps introduce Tomasz Hajto of Górnik Zabrze floating one in in a not unBeckhamesque fashion in build-up and keeper positioning:

And you have to say this isn't the calmest post-match interview ever, starting while Barry Davies is still talking and featuring Ray Stubbs gamefully trying to hang on to his line of questioning in the face of an adrenaline rushed Gascoigne:

There's casual, and then there's really casual

2008-03-30T22:44:00.000+01:00

In the event of a penalty save, it's important to follow up

2008-03-29T23:28:00.000Z

The international game

2008-03-22T23:26:00.002Z

Mark Hughes might argue, but you'd find takers to suggest that the two best achieving UK international managers this decade have been Lawrie Sanchez and Alex McLeish.

Who, if Bolton get a couple of decent wins, will have had a hand in managing teams relegated from the Premiership this season.

A request

2008-03-08T22:19:00.002Z

The big finish to Kevin Keegan's rant - you know the one - is all over YouTube. Has anyone ever uploaded the full interview including Keys' questions?

When did...

2008-03-02T22:33:00.001Z

Harry Redknapp start talking to the BBC again?

Plucky minnows

2008-03-02T16:24:00.002Z

Anyone else see the start of Sky's Super Sunday coverage today? There are many less likely teams chasing a European spot this season; Everton, who finished fourth in 2005-06 and are conclusively still in the UEFA Cup, not to mention the many glory European nights in their past, are not one of them. Yet this intro footage was a mock-up of what it might be like if little old Everton were to welcome the big European clubs to charming antiquated Goodison Park. Who gave that the green light?

No job for a lady

2008-02-28T20:49:00.000Z

Newsreel denotes the peak of women's football popularity in Britain in 1921:

It's actually a better standard of play than Middlesbrough and Sheffield United managed last night.

Hooray!

2008-02-25T20:59:00.001Z

Is it funnier because it was the only goal of the game and happened to Real Madrid? Yes, of course it is.

It had to be done

2008-02-17T00:02:00.000Z

Mike-distorting off-camera yells - more, please!

This could only have gone badly

2008-02-14T08:04:00.000Z

Mark Lawson precises Soccer AM, deems it "the most inventive and informed magazine show on TV", which even its fans wouldn't argue. Especially not now Lovejoy's long gone - and who knew he could have gone somewhere else and developed an even more cloying presentational style?

Second hand football club to go

2008-02-12T16:08:00.000Z

No time wasters, please. No, really.

Hill walking

2008-02-09T01:07:00.000Z

Something for the weekend - the start of the BBC coverage of the celebrated France-Portugal 1984 European Championships game, like the rest of the home nationless tournament broadcast in highlights form alone in the UK:

Abroad thoughts from home

2008-02-08T09:34:00.000Z

So now we've all had a chance to sleep on the cluster bombing of the vanities that is the international Premier League games plan - and at the moment it's not much further down the line than dividing games into four quarters was in 1992 - thoughts are starting to emerge that aren't gut reaction, even if confronted by something like this gut reaction is by far the best reaction. David Davies has said this morning that his reason for being against the plan is it will cause further player burn-out. It's one game, David. He might as well have argued that an extra game abroad would damage the teams' carbon footprints.

The real underlying issue, apart from the down pat ones about commerce ahead of, well, Us, is that the UK just doesn't take to international franchising. Consider the NFL game played at Wembley in November, of which the real net result was to annoy thousands of fans who paid top dollar for a game even more fragmented than usual and churn up the pitch so badly that the Croatians complained even after they'd comfortably won on it. Did it lead to a greater UK interest in the Superbowl? Not really.

All this does also throw into sharp light another longstanding issue that people always warn will come to pass, right back to the football business-lit boom of the mid-90s when every other book published had the sub-title 'How Football Lost Its Soul To Business'. We've been told through years of TV deals and wage increases that "the Premier League bubble will burst". Well, when? The amounts paid by broadcasters are still increasing, prize money is still rising at a level that would if it were house prices cause the Daily Express to issue special extra editions every day and the international market remains largely untapped. If it had already been, the FA wouldn't be planning games abroad. Under normal boom and bust scales the league would now be falling through the floor and the multi-million debts all leading clubs have incurred wouldn't be routinely written off as nothing to worry about.

By the way, sneaking through on the underside was the FA being browbeaten by longterm vocal supporters Spurs and Man Utd into accepting two more sub places a game. Fuck you, clubs with smaller squads!

Dive, ref!

2008-02-07T21:29:00.000Z

Andre Bikey finds a new and unusual way of missing a major final through suspension

Will the last person out of English football please turn off the lights

2008-02-07T19:50:00.001Z

The morning after

2008-02-07T08:22:00.000Z

We're going to have to get used to this, essentially.

Simon Barnes has something important and worthwhile to say about Capello's England, it's just he can't remember what exactly it was after the first couple of pre-written paragraphs. Extra marks, however, for the first commenter starting his rebuttal 'Mr Barnes...'

It all starts here

2008-02-05T08:26:00.000Z

This is a John Sadler column in the Guardian about Ian Poulter's recent claim that only he can form a challenge to Tiger Woods' golfing dominance. As expected, the tone is one of mild rebuking and ribaldry at the Golf Punk mascot's expense.

Then, in the middle of it, Sadler without warning turns tail and claims that this is still a superior attitude to that of Fabio Capello. In doing so, he also becomes the first person to pick up on the recent but already after only about six years grand tradition of mentioning the England manager's wages apropos of nothing. Then he goes back to talking about Poulter and the nature of interviewing the cocksure as if nothing had happened.

Fabio Capello, you may remember, makes his England managerial debut tomorrow.

Arsene Wenger's world of logic

2008-02-01T16:37:00.000Z

He could, now you mention it, easily have had Cristiano Ronaldo, ooh, years ago, but "I don't want to create any story that isn't needed"

Pictures come from ATV, the commentator is Hugh Johns

2008-01-31T18:49:00.000Z

Warning for all digitally inclined British readers: ITV4 goes 24 hours from next week, and on Thursday at noon, repeated at 4pm, is The Big Match Revisited. The first one is described thus:

"Classic 1983 football action from the ITV archives. The main game is Manchester City v Tottenham, whose side includes the two pioneering Argentinians Ossie Ardiles and Ricardo Villa. Plus action from Barnsley v Wolves - a game that includes a youthful Mick McCarthy in the Barnsley line-up and Andy Gray leading the Wolves attack. Presented by Elton Welsby and Denis Law."

...which would be Granada's Match Night, wouldn't it? Anyway, at last ITV are doing something useful with their massive and usually untouched sporting archive. The one on the 14th, by the way, features "league leaders Liverpool, featuring Kenny Dalglish, taking on Ipswich. Plus action from Coventry v Manchester City and Celtic v Aberdeen. Presented by Brian Moore and Jim Rosenthal."

(Thanks to TV Cream majordomo Steve Williams for passing this on. I must say, he really is one of our favourite players.)

Know your place

2008-01-30T14:51:00.000Z

Something interesting came out of watching Sky Sports' Sunday Supplement at the weekend, and it's not often you get to write that. Apart from the fellow panellists' clear disregard for Danny Fulbrook, it was fascinating to note that when the target of their ritualistic doings down came to the FA Cup, and in particular when a non-Big Four club last made the final and as an extension when a final was last entertaining, four well-briefed professional experts on football all forgot West Ham two years ago.

Isn't the Big Four idea really propogated by the same journalists whose outlets coined the phrase? As Everton, Spurs and this season Man City and Aston Villa have shown it's far from a closed shop, yet as far as we're led to believe only four clubs will ever matter at the extended sharp end of the Premiership table and for everyone else it's abandon hope all ye who enter here. A couple of weeks ago Juande Ramos talked of the structure he was building at the club and confidently stated that they would be challenging for a Champions League place by next season. Presumably this is a different Tottenham to the one that finished fifth last season and was fourth going into the last game of the season before that.

But such is the standard that journalistic shorthand exists on a wider top flight scale. Think how often Manchester City have been represented solely as 'Sven's men' this season, or the weight given to what Roy Keane might be like at any stage of a Sunderland game - far more than Paul Jewell or Gareth Southgate, certainly. One set of people agree the narrow frames of reference, and we all jump to its command.

In case it escapes your attention

2008-01-29T15:20:00.000Z

Newcastle recruited Dennis Wise to their board.

Is this just to deflect flak off Mike Ashley? Because there's no workable model we can see in it.

Unlikely concepts in football

2008-01-29T08:26:00.000Z

Tim Sherwood "busy with his celebrity life"

We're also sure the UKTV group will be overjoyed to see their prime presenter Louise Redknapp described as "a model and former pop singer". But yeah, who knew that the ludicrous Icon magazine concept would be straight up the swanny?

Just one question, Havant & Waterlooville

2008-01-27T19:59:00.001Z

How come you've won one out of ten away league games this season?

Sentences you never expected to hear on national radio

2008-01-26T19:47:00.000Z

"Reporting for the BBC Asian Network on Arsenal v Newcastle today is the actor Brian Blessed."

Can it only end one way?

2008-01-16T20:05:00.000Z

When the club's own official statement starts 'Geordie messiah to return', you're tempted to think so. In actuality we're leaning towards waiting and seeing, and while we're doing that trying to think of anyone in football who returned with greater success.

One Geordie Nation under a groove

2008-01-13T21:08:00.000Z

For these last four days we've been endlessly told about 'big club expectations' at Newcastle, that a manager has to understand The Geordie Way, usually in a thinkpiece by a broadsheet columnist who's using words like "realism" to try not to make it too plain that he's just deliberately insulting the whole self-appointed Toon Army. Wouldn't it be more likely that fans wanted a manager who could install The Winning Football Matches way? How much of an expectation can fans of a club which last won a major trophy in 1969 have, or is it merely a by-product of averaging just under 51,000 a home league game this season? It's tricky to get our head round it.

Yesterday's 6-0 defeat was, at the crux, a weird one nevertheless. Michael Owen's first half goal should have stood, then Man Utd scored from a disputed free kick, a defender being in the way of a kickout, a misplaced pass, an offside not given, a deflection and a shot that didn't cross the line. Don't see what all the fuss is about, really. (Although as any pundit will tell you, luck evens itself out over the course of a season.)

Harry's game

2008-01-12T12:55:00.000Z

Somewhere among the usual Crooks rot and in no way biased calls for Alan Shearer to be given a go, Jonathan Pearce alluded to a possible betting coup/scam regarding Harry Redknapp's failure to move to Newcastle. It can't help but follow him around, can it?

2008-01-10T23:19:00.001Z

It's the opinion we've all been waiting for

A grade

2008-01-07T21:31:00.000Z

Something you might have seen a bit recently is scorers, Marcus Bent, Cameron Jerome and Leighton Baines inclusive but chiefly Andy Johnson, making a kind of slanted A-shape with their fingers while running away in goal celebration. You'd probably assumed that it was viral advertising for a boot deal, then defenders and lower division players you'd never heard of started doing it.

In fact, Johnson has now revealed, by the sounds of it earlier than he expected, that it's to do with A-Star, a charity he and Fitz Hall have co-formed with the aid of getting kids off the streets by the medium of four-a-side 'street ball' starting in the summer, "set up to influence the lives of young people to open up pathways into employment through sport and other creative activities on a national scale".

Far more interesting when you didn't know, wasn't it?

Someone overdid it at the new year party

2008-01-02T19:11:00.000Z

...at the Ipswich Evening Star. That can be the only explanation for this extended Only Fools And Horses riff, complete with classic tabloid CAPITALISATIONS, to celebrate defeating that notable South London side West Brom.

Chelsea TV viewers

2008-01-02T13:50:00.000Z

What the sod is Winston Bogarde's Huge Celery?

Nothing says happy new year like Chris Waddle's 'other' record

2007-12-31T13:23:00.001Z

The way modern footballers spend their money

2007-12-26T19:11:00.000Z

Some of you may be aware of Babestation, the channel right up the far end of the Sky Digital cluster wherein over-made up girls with blonde highlights, clearly either lapdancers at establishments that had just closed down after a police raid or university students who lived locally for a purpose, lie around in thongs on a bed in a studio space the size of a full stockroom and occasionally jiggle their breasts or thrust their arses out in a bored fashion.

Or so we hear.

No, alright, we've been taking copious observatory notes.

Anyway, it's partly financed by Shaun Wright-Phillips. Although he denies it's as much as £20,000 in what passes for conversation in this 1Xtra interview, clearly he has the tone of a schoolboy caught out leafing through the stuff he found in a hedgerow. Our other favourite bit of this is when he has a pop at Joe Cole for "listening to his own stuff, he doesn't like to mix it" (own stuff, needless to say, Oasis), just after revealing the entire rest of the dressing room listens to the same R&B as him.

A special message to our sister

2007-12-25T16:47:00.000Z

Thanks for your thoughtfulness (especially as it came in a double pack with Rob Brydon's Annually Retentive) but we have no desire ever to watch Gary Lineker's Action Replay on DVD, and that's merely based on having spotted that all the relevant clips are listed on the insert and that it features input from Lee Sharpe and Kevin Day.

Readers! Have you received one of this year's cash-in blooper DVDs, apparently the only subject anyone will now countenance making a football DVD about? Let's compare war wounds.

The LTDR Advert Calendar: the one we've just remembered we were going to do

2007-12-24T23:00:00.000Z

The level of exposition required to explain this special guest's importance is something special.

Ronaldo_Simpsons
Uploaded by redmania

The LTDR Advert Calendar Day Twenty-Four

2007-12-24T00:28:00.000Z

Having established from the ragged build-up to this apex that a big finish was always going to be out of the question... Let us remind you of our indexing of every part of Match Of The Eighties, and realise simultaneously that we haven't posted this yet:

And as you've more than likely seen that before, the 'best' of Soccer Saturday 2004:

The LTDR Advert Calendar Day Twenty-Three

2007-12-23T10:49:00.002Z

It's difficult to find Eric Cantona advert business that isn't the cage one and Joga sodding Bonito - what we really wanted was Fantasy Football's pisstake of his Nike anti-racism adverts with Les Ferdinand, to which Ferdinand actually contributed - but this will do:

The LTDR Advert Calendar Day Twenty-Two

2007-12-23T10:49:00.001Z

Japanese with an east Midlands accent - rare sighting.

The LTDR Advert Calendar Day Twenty-One

2007-12-23T10:46:00.000Z

Taking time into our own hands, remember.

From June, an owl delays a Finland-Belgium Euro 2008 qualifier for six minutes. Note the presence of Mike Riley as referee, and try and work out at exactly what point the director ran out of different crowd shout options.

Calm down, Jimmy

2007-12-23T10:21:00.001Z

Fulham wish you some form of Christmas

The LTDR Advert Calendar Day Nineteen and Twenty

2007-12-20T22:29:00.000Z

We are taking time into our own hands.

Fantasy Football League was great, wasn't it? At its peak it 'got' football and observation thereof like no other television had or has (we're looking at you very sternly here, Fanbanta), and on top of that it did this sort of thing:

By the way, the Steve Morrow Phoenix (which is probably the only time you'll ever see the fall again, actually) has as its top three linkers Belgian sites. What must they make of the format?

The LTDR Advert Calendar Days Seventeen and Eighteen

2007-12-18T20:54:00.000Z

How did we get this far into the month?